This is NOT about 'burning hand syndrome'.

 

She has reported a steadily burning hand at or above a suspicious notch adjacent to the three-sided wall. Yes, an excuse is always available, but we are also aware of her tendency to pad results in expectation of candied, yet removable, dollops deposited on her exposed slip. I make of her what I will, but that doesn't stop feeble-minded service personnel from drawing their own conclusions, no matter how frenzied. Everyone has noticed a transition being called forth, yet no one is powerless to stop it. They  wouldn't want to anyway. If anyone asks about my assistant, they will be fed a story about him desiring to spend more time with his family. He has no family, just many genetic enemies. And, they play for keeps. I see no reason why they should not also receive an invitation to our Summer Event. When one of them is observed slipping silently into a position of superlative compromise, it will be our cue to link arms in a futile gesture of invasive solidarity. Ho-hum.

Has a person assuming your position of autonomous deception ever been known to look askance at the endurance statistics of underserved gantry clods whenever they see fit to form gigantic, if no longer visible, circles in a less-than-praiseworthy manner? We just don't think it's a coincidence that a known individual in hyper-colonial dress would go so  far as to think twice when making a abrupt about-face, thereby leaving one of his most precious hebephrenics in the dust to scrounge for scrumptious comestibles in spades. And this doesn't begin to account for a 'certain someone's' lazy eye when a person of dubious girth begins to water her garden with all the grace of a viciously tattooed leprechaun of some distinction. It just goes to show you, me and everyone else besides, what can be accomplished with even a modicum of grit and bile in all the right places. I stood her up in the corner, and now she wants to eat my brains. Go figure.

A standardized account of quotidian fading is all that's on offer from our less-than-sanguine Junior Petty Officer [JPO] Martin Dulmquif. It seems he prefers to just lump in everything under one and the same roof and see what transpires. I will go my grave incomparably mystified by his indomitable odor profile. It's the kind of thing which undulates through all our personal petrie dishes, to the point where only an executive of a major non-profit has any business attempting egress in the late afternoon hours, if that. I have it on good authority that only the barest link in the chain of causation would be enough to forge an air-tight esplanade when one or more endogenous miscreants decide to get a very furry ball rolling for good. From the looks of it, you yourself may have been spotted wolfing down our latest tranche of contested petting results. If so, that would be a permanent black mark against your name in the precincts of barely adapted kehoes. If it would help, you can be added to our list. Please let my girl know. And no, she won't bite. (She will bite.)

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Andover Silk Recluse!

 

I was promenading through a grown person's demi-detached compound, sporting my favorite Woxperth Chemise, when I happened to notice an arrangement unfolding on a nearby ridge, just out of view from the prominent party of four on whose behalf these details were enriched in the first place. In the second place, one should try very hard to utilize a fully equipped facility, if for no other reason than the person might risk being spoken to, of, within or behind, without first seeking a firm grounding in fundamental truths. I find, though, that this bothers me less than I was warned might be the case. Their smallest son happens to have sought my care after I made it known that I was well regarded in the Christian Community of Tobasco Village, Ohio.

That was when I threw all my final blanking shifts into a lazy pile to gauge the reaction of a hedge fund director to whom I'd given my word to never speak of his wife without her explicit written permission. It came about when she insisted on needling me about my semi-luxuriant coiffure and insisted on confusing me one too many times with a backfielder from weeks ago in spite of the fact that my age and height didn't quite fit the facts of the case. I once knew a landowner who I'd seen walking in a neighbor's scraggly yard. He'd put up the seed money to have my son arrested for aggravated depravity and had seen to it that I'd never walk alone inside my private quarters again. We insisted on drifting through space without ever having given a thought to commonsense precautions. This includes wires, stoppers, padding and strong points. You could say that we thought (mistakenly) that we were still young. It's possible that you might consider saying something else as well. It's your call 

If any one of us had given thought to the possibility, I, for one, was never made aware of it, much to my ongoing detriment. They'll press you length-wise into a gradual compartment and still expect to you to scrounge your way to the very beginning without anyone offering so much as a 'Hang tough, Mister!'. And only those who are blind to the psychological whiplash inherent in pending seizure operations could think to stop offering people in my ring an iota of pressure release when things come to a sterling position. They'll ask you for a cigarette (even though you've never smoked), look you straight in the eye and pronounce you fit for a wonderful exchange. This could take some getting used to. If, however, we've attached ourselves to a master agreement, any built-in passions will release us with a drum and a roll. The tilt of my jib will communicate a mildness which never expects even a wan recusal. This can't be like anyone else's emolument claw. It lacks the chartered signature of 'Lady Luck'. Now you know we'll give you a caring gesture featuring the tiniest hint of perfidy. Please know also that you are welcome anytime, as long as she arrives first. It helps to string some of the items along a wall. Flurmp.

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Does this lead where she thinks it leads?

 

All of whom are wailing, the silent lapse. On down behind Kenneth's shelf, the fortraiture, when dissolved, amounts to a cunning reversal. Owners of a scope will withhold a dreaded mouth of bridges. But one who, alone atrembling the boove, becalms Gecanthi's olmercraft as a tall stunting page, gets herself one. Now that we think about it, our hearts creak asunder. The patient's starry boner is photographed in the needless pomp of allegiance in crisis. The sullen push-back that we've seen recorded in your now lost diagram, will entice any random Leotard to scrimp and pause even as it rolls to a stop in a filagreed lintel's tragic Pharmakon. It grips as it wheedles and snips to an authenticated gasp. By stealing a page from the troubling foam, our largest ally seeks to grant a one-day reprieve to a tolerably honest whyfor.

But jutting through all of it, with a pale high-toned ode to ceilings of bewelprin, a jangled miracle tree will be seen to fear invasion through a time-space kit of startled olgery. Just as it always floats our boat in a bonnet of atrophied warning silk, the saving of three misplaced particles could yield the way to a vision of astounding penises. They may fold in the face of banter but any sacrificial check on the noontime bailiwick approaches the hallmark status which justifies its very spatial penwipe. It's how we erase the grids. With apologies to the peace of our likely urge to flip, a collection of rare insects is enough to ensure our attendance at an occasion of middling congestance. In this case, only you will be awarded a coveted Mental Health Certificate. We're sorry if the zone specified is incorrect; it's all we could do to betray our betters' notion of an adherence to standard specifications.

Like the four others who pretend to find your genetic forebears listed in a book of lists, I stake my hat on your ability to score a flint weasel inside your treasured highlight reel. We will donate carpets to valiant hustlers and our brow is expected to knit one fatal pink iota into the task of decisions. This could get all of us somewhere, if only you would pay a third party to risk attending. The brink is 'shovel ready'. And our lanky bunkmate is appropriately abashed. Why do you never wash the alcove with a river of astonished pudding?

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Word association quiz.

 

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(non-)Autobiographical Figment.

 

Decides to approach a woman in a centrally located eaterie to ask directions to a napkin dispenser. Feels somewhat self conscious when she pretends not to notice his very attractive tie. The very next day walks through a forest in an effort to put distance between disturbing events. Has dinner with his parents the following Summer without ever once looking at the food. Dreams of owning a sailboat. Settles for an issue of the TV Guide. Calls into work and asks for time off to deal with 'personal issues'. Is told that such things are 'not policy'. Finds the phenomenon of evaporation to be inherently mysterious and altogether gratifying.  Sticks around after dark just to see what will happen. Enjoys sexual relations with a boxer turtle. Not his boxer turtle but one that belongs to a former friend.

Decides to become a better person by reading books from the self-improvement section. Temporarily loses his eyesight even as his kidney function improves. Agrees to an unpaid leave-of-absence. Is arrested for his political activities. Writes a book which achieves great success after his 'accidental' fall from a fifth story window at the Special Counsel's Office. Begins oboe lessons at age 47. Breaks his left leg while skiing the next Winter. Forms an acapella singing group made up exclusively of Iraq War veterans. Lives in a fantasy world where dreams become reality and and reality is indigestible pulp. Seriously considers species re-assignment surgery. Defects to Portugal with a picture of John Dillinger's penis. Learns to love light opera. Has a fling with a chorus girl from Atlanta. Realizes she is young enough to be his daughter and arranges for her false kidnapping to set things right. 

Goes from bad to worse to better to best. Enshrines a bust of Alexander Krippner in his 'pride of place'. No longer eats oatmeal for breakfast on alternate Wednesdays. Cleans his garage for the first time in six years. Drinks half a can of light beer. Reads the Bible for five minutes (II Timothy) and retires for the evening. Awakes at 3:06 AM to urinate. Wonders if this is 'all there is'. Dies peacefully in his sleep one hour and seventeen minutes later. Is remembered by no on at all.

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Proper Steriche Protocol.

 

When the Steriche is given an arpent, you'll find, if and when you attempt to 'touch it up', with the sides of your fingers (NOT including your thumbs), that certain parts will give way, even as a wicked firmness begins to envelope the tailings of a process. It should be 

added that surveys have found that one in five instances will include a coldness, which , seemingly, has no place, except for when a roughness is highlighted in a weakened striation. Now you'll want to be sure to think of the one suitable word which will have the effect of encouraging a temperamental bonding when likely smaller wishes could lead to desirable national encounters. When you are given even the most ponderous of suggestions, please run with it for all you're worth. They won't play easily by the latter rounds, if at all.

If we take you to the front of a collection  of seasoned opportunists, it's only for the good we sense is lurking, even if optimal seating is reserved for overly prideful revanchists. Some of us have had good luck outlining a feverish rehearsal in light of a prospective appearance by those who stand to lose a fair piece if any or our bowls are sold in time for the Biennial Fiction. It features Hyman Stewart and Rory Wilpenburg. They will be manning a task force which will allow us to careen through a deptive tourist map without any question coming undone but for a lack of nicks in time. This won't, or shouldn't, matter, what with every third scouting prospect anointed with a healthy balm of crushed, cylinderized wood and undermodulated calcified sparrow felbers. You'll see when we arrive together at a lunch not far from the way you used to feign darkness in a breaking pattern. Does anyone think they have one yet? It won't hurt if you do.

Now when the Steriche is mounted, the waxy paper tabs can be counted upon to yield to any psycho-social resistance which hasn't yet been detected by our capable monitors. This is the occasion when each of your surviving parents will be brought in for a run-through and our dream of testable plangents will reach its epictomy and all liars will retire to a de-fabulized hazing room. Then we'll ask the rest of you if and whether any plaintiffs were observed congregating at a time and place of our choosing, thus to behold a tolerance schedule for wood in a looming sheet. You'll notice that one of our three faces has taken on the aspect of an angular motion-sickness triad. This should cause no alarm, unless, of course, you've elected to hold back any essential details from our recording person. She is reputed to be prone to bolus seizures during instances of this color. Any spare rods you may hide in your car might help with this. We are sure that hearts are, even now, warming to see your progress in our fifth generation social engine. Can we begin?

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This is not the commonly accepted version.

 

Only one moment before, even as I felt just a bit 'iffy', I motioned to the logician who had accompanied me that day, before any brigands were caught, branded and left to be fed with the others who we'd previously ignored, much to our collective peril. There's a dampness on the underneath part which could fool you, but only if you think that 'care' is something that comes in a package which arrives at a random interval, come what may. May I send you my leftover final minutes or has a breech been discovered while I overlooked our common enterprise at the direction of the chosen few? It won't get in the way as it used to because, quite frankly, we've been inspecting any type of container which melds to a species-specific ontology of lift-and-release. And that's not saying something that others would feel framed their tatters to an indigent disk. My pleasure.

When Third Father pronounced an underappreciated policy prescription to be forever null in a crappy void, I sometimes hear a vibrant bromide being splashed before a Rector whose deposit we've neglected to squirrel away from the various Archdeaconesses who fling my precious towels into a raging inferno of antique Barbara Larson Portable Stanchons. These were my final gift to a couple who managed to always appear shaken, even while they appealed to a bonded set of irregular particles it's been their pleasure to dissolve nightly at one. The very same gate that you've supplied to our chewdren is due for a much needed overhaul for the princely sum of one hundred dollars and ninety-nine cents. Some might aver that all who seek our bunting are due for a doubly pugilistic con-fab. It hurts when I say it like that, no?

Our intentions were never based on an unheralded potency; to be sure not even a wicked gimp would dare call the shots if anyone else had mottled quietly without our applause juicing the way. Forewarnings will not betoken a rise of incalculable penetrations of graduated base-line portents. We cannot refuse to NOT cast them into a shade of passive nuclear fistulence. Our love is a bracing caspinet, but no one will find that written anywhere but on that place of definitive ospints. Their one and only task is to ready our trap-force to incite the lucid creepers in their number to befall a standing waylay juncture before applying the final pressure mask to my indentured Slovak. They are all with us now. But this does not include any rapt fendrick trolls. It's time for your pill.

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