A Roundabout Path to a Realworld Invitation.

 

The sandy-haired line operator, who will go nameless for his benefit to allow for appearances to gel in the hereafter, is said to be at my beck and call for any and all anterior motives. Once he moves his hands into position, everyone feels certain—or ought to!—that our very lives have been plucked out and restored to a status needful of amplostomy. He regards us with a sullen stare and proceeds to shape a narrative, by turns resentful and oleaginous, which helps to bind us ever closer to serve a higher calling on the road to certain perdition. I will leave each of my sons a brittle indication to help them follow a train of thought not likely to be overcome in the three years since my liver transplant. They have been groomed from infancy to correct their corrupt Dad's approach to the science of 'ordinary materials'. This is where it gets ugly. Stop blaming me or I'll have you thrown in the River. Literally!

No one has been late for lunch yet this year. We begin with a group prayer and a 'good faith offering'. I grip each of them between my forefingers and search their eyes for clues to our most recent burglary. One after another, they tell me of their struggles to repair doomed relationships and attain financial solvency. I don't fall for any of it. Why? Because there's no physical, mental or even molecular exam to which I have not subjected them while they slept peacefully on my garage floor. And the results? It pains me to have to report that they all come up severely wanting in every 'department', so to speak. Even as I write this, they are being dissolved, slowly, painlessly.... but with great gusto nonetheless!

If you can see your way free, it would be a great honor if you could join us on the morrow for a fish-fry at my infected Grandmother's laundromat. It will begin promptly at 10:35 AM. Please remember to bring a disposable pencil and wear solid tones as my Wife is allergic and prone to fits. There will be a non-refundable $100.99 registration fee. You will be asked for a specimen as per current guidelines. I will be coaching you in a contemporary folk revival. Once the meal is served you will be asked to leave immediately on pain of a lengthy prison term. If you've ever seen any of our pictures, you know we don't fool around. Let this be a lesson to you, for the good of your family, if for no other reason. 

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