Autobiographical Notes from an Alternate Timeline.

 

Younger strangers who are thought to appear to be 'well liked' are often the last to know. I should know because I was one myself once. Problem was, I didn't find out until everyone had already gone. I was left in an opponent's gymnasium even though it was dark outside and I remembered a lot of people saying that no one could be expected back until after eleven. I decided to use my fabled brain and call this kid a liar. He wasn't there either so I ditched my nukes behind a Pastor's toolshed, started selling drugs in the inner city and got a cheerleader pregnant even though I was secretly gay. The baby, who I never saw, was named after my Grandpa who died in the War.

I went on to edit my College newspaper. After graduation I got a job in marketing, rose through the ranks to become Senior Executive Vice Assistant and retired early at age 37 in Boca Raton, Florida. By the time I made it plain to the United States Government that I had every intention of defecting to the People's Democratic Republic of Korea (AKA North Korea), I swore that I would never again risk exposure by pretending to throw a baseball in a way that made me look like I wasn't a girl. Because, you know what? Some people like to go around saying things. Even talking about stuff that can't be proven—unless you're a goddamn psychic or something!

I sold my Ford SUV to an Ohio mortgage delinquent, threw away some spoiled food and decided to make a clean break of it. No one was getting any younger. That said, someone I saw just the other day looked in my direction when I pretended to be standing somewhere. Once I achieved a long neglected orgasm, I decided to help my sister, Mervy Flimtar, clean out her garage. It took us all day and into the night. Since she was leaving later that evening, we had a lot of catching up to do. The next day she caught the flu and, unfortunately, passed away in her sleep. Now I run a private investigations company in Pyongyang, North Korea and I couldn't be happier. Why should any of this be a surprise, is all I'm asking. What is it?