(non-)Autobiographical Snippet.

 

Decides to approach a woman in a centrally located eaterie to ask directions to a napkin dispenser. Feels somewhat self conscious when she pretends not to notice his very attractive tie. The very next day walks through a forest in an effort to put distance between disturbing events. Has dinner with his parents the following Summer without ever once looking at the food. Dreams of owning a sailboat. Settles for an issue of the TV Guide. Calls into work and asks for time off to deal with 'personal issues'. Is told that such things are 'not policy'. Finds the phenomenon of evaporation to be inherently mysterious and altogether gratifying.  Sticks around after dark just to see what will happen. Enjoys sexual relations with a boxer turtle. Not his boxer turtle but one that belongs to a former friend.

Decides to become a better person by reading books from the self-improvement section. Temporarily loses his eyesight even as his kidney function improves. Agrees to an unpaid leave-of-absence. Is arrested for his political activities. Writes a book which achieves great success after his 'accidental' fall from a fifth story window at the Special Counsel's Office. Begins oboe lessons at age 47. Breaks his left leg while skiing the next Winter. Forms an acapella singing group made up exclusively of Iraq War veterans. Lives in a fantasy world where dreams become reality and and reality is indigestible pulp. Seriously considers species re-assignment surgery. Defects to Portugal with a picture of John Dillinger's penis. Learns to love light opera. Has a fling with a chorus girl from Atlanta. Realizes she is young enough to be his daughter and arranges for her false kidnapping to set things right. 

Goes from bad to worse to better to best. Enshrines a bust of Alexander Krippner in his 'pride of place'. No longer eats oatmeal for breakfast on alternate Wednesdays. Cleans his garage for the first time in six years. Drinks half a can of light beer. Reads the Bible for five minutes (II Timothy) and retires for the evening. Awakes at 3:06 AM to urinate. Wonders if this is 'all there is'. Dies peacefully in his sleep one hour and seventeen minutes later. Is remembered by no on at all.

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