A Very Special Baby.

 

There's a baby who lives only in my mind. It's common knowledge that he's a smart kid, but also not a little clumsy. When he's dressed in his striped pants and ceremonial longcoat, people go on to remark that he resembles someone in a foreign film. I am asked to inform them that their opinions are of little moment. Characteristically, they'll invite me over for a bite later. If I'm not too full on the upside, I'll see if I can make do with amending my appointment calendar. Often more than a few callers to my show take a stab at disputing a bit of common sense which I've previously shared. They are dismissed with prejudice. But always with a smile, though.

Once the baby has become a larger person—too large even to be carried in one of the contemporary containers—someone suggests that we invest in a liner. Some are sound-proof, others only repel the more viscous species of liquids at our disposal. It will take several of the wise members of our Committee to determine which is best. Do we have any plans to visit a desert in the near future? Will alcohol come into play? Should anyone be interested in the long term effects of mild electric shocks? Anyone can tell you they know, but only the few with skin in the game are worth listening to. That's what some call 'folk wisdom'. Others just settle for snarling innocently before they sit down. I will take it upon myself to give them a tiny stick as a reminder. Next time they might think twice. If that's what it takes, so be it.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it curious that the baby's name hasn't come up yet? You see, there's a book of names on the shelf opposite to where I'm sitting right now. There are even small scraps of paper inserted in several of the pages. No one thinks I have the courage to look at it a second time. They tell me that it's obvious I'm trying to intimidate them. That couldn't be further. But (and this is a big BUT), the more they try to insinuate themselves in what should be a strictly private concern of myself, the Committee and our assistants, the more they're risking their inclusion in a gala occasion which is still in the planning stages, on the drawing board and subject to vainly insolent speculation. The box which I've brought is still sitting empty. But there IS a picture taped to the outside. That's the thing that you need to remember. You won't get far without it. Just sayin'.

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