It's quite simple, actually . . . ..

 

No one was in any doubt that the guy I'd signed in had trouble keeping each of his several explanations straight. No matter how many coupons I'd donated to his kids' education fund, the only glimmer at the end of a constricted tube was a glint from an ameliorated cufflink which gave some of us hope that not all whimpering contained any kind of secret clue at all. Which is why a person in my line of work sometimes gets in a bit of a fix if a trusted colleague tries to outline yet another agenda in the face of implacable opposition from 'you-know-who'.   Even my defrocked Rector, Asmer Chomsul, tried to have a go at matching finger prints to astrological signs and came up empty every freaking time. When it was my turn to lie face down in a morphological chamber, some of the hysterical busybodies who controlled access decided they'd had just about enough and began to enforce a body of antiquated regulations that would make your head spin if any game had the remotest quantity of skin in it at all. As of press time, we can report that a peculiar cohort of seditious ectomorphs is even now approaching Terminal G at Newark-Liberty International Airport. Do we even have to stipulate that their intentions are not, as we say, 'good'? If so, consider it so stipulated. If not, I dare you to try to seal my coating.

In this kind of game, every able-bodied fussbudget is due for a clandestine physical exam on the Observation Deck at the Empire State Building in New York City. I will personally see to it that each of the spouses receives a complimentary pastry item, courtesy of Stunad's Cake Shoppe at 584 Rt. 14 South in Dairytown, PA. Our Master of Ceremonies is Edwin Tumblaine of the very well known Tumblaine Brothers et al.  Once each evacuee is checked for specimens, they'll be approached by a member in good standing of the Oregon Highway Patrol and requested to proceed very quietly to the back seat of an unmarked late-model sedan of some distinction. There they will be introduced to an ungrateful prospective adoptee and asked to measure them for rabies, cholera and tongue-in-mouth syndrome. If everything is determined to be on the up-and-up, a unique plaque may be presented in lieu of a cash payout. The requisite farms are to be pillaged at the direction of the Oneonta Homebound Charity Complex, and not one minute sooner.

When I saw her exit the arena in the company of my infant daughter, I knew that something just didn't smell right. We'd had issues for years but I must say, this one took the prize and left all the others in the dust. Now that some of the folks downstairs have had time to think about it, they've reached a preliminary decision. Following the collapse of my business in 2006, I was given three months to reach a settlement with the woman's father and then pipe down for good. Nothing about this sat right with me. Instead, I asked some of the others to sit right next to me while I hammered out a response by the seat of my pants. It wasn't looking good. But I felt okay. The fact is, I'd lost five pounds in the prior three months. No one thought I was capable of this but I knew they were lying from the very beginning. That's why I never leave my house without something in reserve. You never know when a third party might show up and make one uncomfortable demand or another. This way I always knew where my bread was buttered, so to speak. And no, I ain't getting any younger, if that's what's on your mind, okay?  

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