Update on the 'Sally Merkel' situation.

 

I've looked through all my files and I can't find anyone named 'Sally Merkel'. Some folks on loan from another department are quite adamant that that can't be right. Why? Because just the other day as I was drying off from an obvious mishap, a statement was read over the public address system which made a hash of all of our previous efforts. Even though the name appeared to be that of a popular donor, the application process alone could take a week or two. Once it was resolved in my favor, there was only one thing left on my plate: a somewhat dry grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. Someone had placed a small piece of paper on a table in a nearby building. This building had been designed by a distant relative who had participated in a certain number of parades back in the 1950s. I'd been told that his headgear was the envy of the entire Unit. People had trouble convincing me that my picture of the thing was way off in the distance where some could experience difficulty breathing if the air continued the way we expected after a year like that. Like what? Please try to be more understanding. It's true that some will continue to get old and possibly die from trying too hard.

In case anyone has an inkling that the image they've cultivated for lo these many years is apt to receive some serious scrutiny, it should be a relief to learn a self-effacement technique once known only by default on the strong side. If the other one inspires needling and jealous talk, then the recommendation is to don a favorite jacket and enter a field hospital bringing only a notebook, a flashlight and a cup holder designed for Berber infants. They will hold them all day and then look into the tiny hole while wishing this would never be an issue. All the other victims received financial consideration in lieu of reputational apostomy. This is how it will all 'go down': at first a sound will be heard, it could be any sound at all, just so long as you can hear it. Then some people will come in sopping wet. You are to pay them no mind but instead count the number of times their heads move in the average second. Next you'll want to be up on your Antasian History. This could take some doing but in time those who look like they could be next will be all but watering your plants for all you care. By now you'll be set up to take the reins and make a major haul. It might be minutes before we find out if your body is up to the stress. Sometimes people chicken out right about here. To guard against that, we recommend that you spend some time getting reacquainted with our Rules of Engagement. Should you need a piece of mildly colored string to be attached to a portable antenna, you can pen a short note to our man at the Arena. He'll be able to complete all the paperwork in about three months. After that you're on your own. It never gets simpler after that, but you don't see me complaining, do you? Be quiet.

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