One who says of a peculiarly mollified Associate Vice Assistant, that she, what with the long-form fiction she writes in her spare time, is most certainly NOT an asset to this organization, will need to begin planning for an abrupt transition into a titular vacancy behemoth, as long as I or my team have anything to say about it. Why did this come up? Well, it was about three years ago that I plunged into a veritable whirlwind of non-stop pilferage to add to my already sizable collection of apparently useless momentos of the 1964 World's Fair at Flushing Meadows in the Borough of Queens, New York.
About the time I realized that my now eleven year old vintage Harcourt divan would need replacing, I saw an ad in Popular Mechanics. I'm sorry to tell you that for the life of me I can remember neither what the ad was for nor in which issue of the magazine it appeared. I do remember that there was some kind of diagram on the facing page. My wife was having a heck of a time with her cigarette lighter and the Sanitation Commissioner was getting on my case about a toxic discharge which stained the carpeting in Holbrooke House. In the event that my mistress, Diane Fridner, is found perusing romance novels in the local second hand book mart, don't call me surprised. I've never had it better, but I do seem to remember calling out a name in my sleep which rhymes with the first anniversary of my last piano lesson with a gentleman known to one and all as simply 'The Maestro'. He was one of the few people I've ever known to announce publicly his preference for aquamarine Prescotts. This guy was a real 'piece of work', as you can see.
So, when my turn came it was all I could do to retain what little composure I'd managed to accumulate. I knew what I had to do. I removed my clothing, said a silent prayer to Third Father, hummed the third movement of Beethoven's Fifth in a desultory fashion, rode my ten-speed into town (it was still dark) and approached Officer Steve Linden. This is where things really get good. Unfortunately you'll have to wait to find out what followed until after my next hypnotic regression so I can finally piece together what brought me to my current status as Acting Chairperson. It should be a real doozy!
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