One of My Fondest Capers.

 

Our teachers are the only people we sing to from beyond a burning car. I stretch my legs and return to the town in a way which seems earlier but, in fact, is not. Not for nothing is the one who beams at me leaving a lot to chance. The kinds of characters he's been known to play are said to court trouble by the trunkload. I give him my broadest hand-wiping tool and require nothing but the barest pittance to keep my boat inside a secret towel. It will help us get started if we resolve to never have words in the days to come. He gives me that look which says, 'I'm never coming home'. There will be some younger drunks who escape detection and go on to earn substantial asset forfeiture. I've whispered about their exploits in my sleep. The whole neighborhood enjoys looking in my window while I read. I treat them to a nice chippy. Now they're all in the hospital. It serves to show them the proper mode of conduct. I've slept with over half of them. And no, it was in no way any kind of 'day at the beach'.

With my trusty Paul Phillips knife in hand, I appear well suited to the challenges inhering in a strategy of total avoidance. The controversial stands for which I'm known can now be abandoned because there's nothing left to lose. There will be those holding down positions near our dubiously gated factory farm. The relative ease with which I ask their names was passed down to me from famed attorney F Lee Bailey. After I became pregnant at the hands of his temporary driver, I was seen entering a building with a person of Middle Eastern descent. We agreed to split our share of the proceeds 5-to-1 and leave it at that. Now that I have been appointed to an Honorary Position, I will need to assemble a coterie of dumbstruck 'pantieboys' to hide my laundry inside an obsolete bakery operation. The head man there is a guy named Vince Herbert. He has short brown hair and usually wears a lime-green sailing parka. He's allergic to tomato juice, though not to actual tomatoes themselves. There's only one piece of advice: Just do the math.

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