This Is Where You Come In.

 

If you're very quiet, not long after 10:00 PM, you can hear long, gray tones emanating from the birch trees behind our deck. This isn't the kind of thing which folks hereabout really want to talk about. But, if you meet them half way and even indicate that amends are sure to be made, then they might take you aside, offer a bit of string or even a piece of scrap paper and start singing like anybody's baby. If you hit at the right time of the month, then they'd be open to inviting you inside for  a 'friendly' game of cards. Once when I did that, it was all I could do to think of things to avoid when the subject of the gray tones came up, as if we hadn't stopped worrying about it the whole time. From the way they all seemed to be chewing gum, even though it's frowned upon here in the Borough, no one who valued their life would disagree with me when I say that something 'just wasn't right'.

Nowadays, I sit nightly in my neighbor's finishing school hoping to catch a glimpse of his stunning collection of out-of-district devices. Because once some of our younger members get it in their head to use their influence to determine outcomes, even a willing patient can't be blamed for setting up a lighting system with auxiliary microscopes. You see, if a longer fiber than we have any right to expect becomes lodged, and the offices are closed for one of our bi-monthly breaks, then we'll have no choice but to begin the digging in earnest. This is where you come in. You'll bring a normal sized trowel and make it your business to attend to all impressions. A female member could see you at the gate. In that case you'll be asked for your Privacy Number. A stiff dosage will swiftly follow. I'll be by with my wheel barrow within the month and we can collect seedlets while you finish tiling the guest bathroom. After that, a light lunch will be served on the patio for one of our performatively grim retinues. If either of them looks you in the eye, you can just say that I told you so. After that you can continue loading excess dirt into the last training locker on the left as you proceed down the upstairs hallway. Anyone who sees you will be whisked away for their own good.

You can be assured that your extended family will be offered sanctuary in our home-grown witness protection program. I'll see to it that an infant refugee will be placed in your care before hostilities get underway. This will allow you time to get your affairs in order. In the last few seconds before detonation, someone under my direct control will contact your supervisor about a missing clothing allowance. In case you hadn't already guessed, this is just your garden variety ruse. A medium-sized bottle of the mildest solvent should be your very first 'go-to'. After that, I promise, we'll get a bite to eat and send you down to meet with the Sales Committee. They've been developing a kick-ass plan for after you've gone missing for good. You really shouldn't worry your pretty little head about your chart. It will be as safe with us as it's always been. Now, if you'd like, it's okay to go outside and feed the children. Thanks for your time. They just don't make us like them anymore, am I right?

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