A Two-for-One Holiday Special! Act Now!

When a sallow field hand, with whom I engaged in fisticuffs as recently as fourteen months ago, sidles up behind me while I'm taking the air, helps a 'young thing' to emerge from the preternatural darkness of his 'as told to' autobiography, grabs me by the elbow, launches a crew of Albanian cetaceans into low-earth orbit just for the fun of it and decides that now would be the time to announce a winner in some dreamy badinage contest, then I'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my 'time in the barrel' has finally arrived.

It strikes a young peckerwood who goes by the handle Hyphid Bermish that my reaction to the above provocation is somehow less than adequate to meeting the challenges of life in the Twenty Third Century, to the point where he requires a one-of-a-kind surgical procedure not seen in these parts since July 11, 1951. That was the day that I swore up and down that a circulation award, bestowed upon my infant daughter by no less a star in our cultural firmament than Jimmy Durante, was not the thing it seemed, even if observed from a microscopic viewing platform, restored at great cost by the New York Police Athletic League as a summertime youth make-work project gone terribly wrong. If anyone could be persuaded that giant prongs of steel could be seen to materialize from the frozen smiles of the Danish Cheerleading Squad, it would be me. Is now the right time to apologize? No? Okay, forget it then.

Some complaints have been registered concerning several of the items in this whatever-it-is-you-call-it. I had my doubts going in but full participation will do wonders for one's urinary tract infection. If anyone is failing hard enough to try to believe, please bring it to me personally. Let's not get the police involved, shall we? I'm an easy person to do business with. You'll see. They all do. Naught. 

_________________________________

Note to readers: In case anyone is wondering what Holiday
is being referenced in the title of this post, please be advised 
that today is Easter Sunday in the Eastern Orthodox Christian
Tradition. Please behave accordingly. For any other wonderments,
please post your queries in the comments and our sprightly intern
will do her damnedest to accommodate any infections. So there!