A Book I Read Just Last Year.

There's an ordering process to my shirts that I'm struggling with, even now. I've been taking alternate weeks to try and get the hang of it. If I think my participation would make a grown man smile, then I'm all for it, warts and all. So, while the shirt I'm wearing right now doesn't seem to conform to what we all agreed to, then my friend's parent is likely to get fired and the blame will be enough to affect each of us on the inside equally. Sometimes it's about all of us pretending to be embarrassed while addressing envelopes as if they're people. We know better. But adjusting to this new regime is a thing of beauty.

There's a neighbor of mine in the Valley. Let's call her 'Sue'. 'Sue' highlights a problem in our local area wherein if a person decides after either an aerobic exercise session or a few drinks to try to mollify those who react to an atmosphere of distrust with a wincing pleasantry, 'Sue' will be all up in their faces, no questions asked. The answer, though, is one for the books, one of which I read just last year. It was called 'The Five Gateways to Sudden Wherewithal'. The author is Yertzy Bentham. I used to run into his widow, Hidalga, at the Farmers' Market here in town. Before we started dating she'd give me the the 'side eye'. I would secrete a celebrity paperweight into her mailbox under cover of darkness. One time I slipped and fell in the easement near her bungalow. We're still in the middle of a frankly unnerving arbitration process, which is possibly going nowhere. Fast.

The reason I bring all this up is that just today I learned that 'Sue' and Hidalga studied with same violin teacher in Estes Park, Colorado from February 3, 1981 to June 9, 1983. I was just a kid then but I can still remember the distinct smell of burning rubber. This is when we all had our own favorite (1) pass-fail test at school, (2) Youth Pastor on the South Lawn, or (3) Presidential Executive Order (PEO) secretly taped to the inside of our hats. Don't take too long to guess or it could get ugly. I think it's only right that I tell you my name. In the TV show it was 'Joe Sykes'. In the movie it was Archibald Perniss. In the comic book it was Levander Sluntferg. In what passes for 'real life' it's Swerpy Benk. If we can ever meet either in person or through a series of coded knocks, I'll tell you about my time in prison. Please don't get the wrong idea because I'm dead serious.